How do we control people?

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We all learn and perfect the art of controlling others usually by the age of 7 or 8 years old, using control dramas. The control dramas we use are as follows:

Poor me/Victim (Feeling sorry for ourselves)
Aloof (Disconnecting/Withdrawn)

We have the ability to use all of these dramas at any given time, however we all have one of the four listed that we master and have a preference for. Our default setting one might say. It’s the one that is our fool proof drama we use to get what we want. These dramas are often subconscious and hence we are sometimes unaware of our behaviour.

I will explain each of these dramas in more detail in later articles.

A short introduction: See if you can spot your chosen drama that you use most regularly;

ANGER: The easiest to identify and feel. We get angry to get our own way and hence attempt to control the environment we are in. Anger is always masking underlying fear.

JUDGEMENTS: This one is a little trickier to spot as it’s often masked behind what seems like pleasing or pleasant words and behaviour. However if we feel judged, we are most likely being judged despite what outward appearances might appear to be. The judges are equally critical with themselves.

POOR ME: Poor me characters feel sorry for themselves. Alot! Nobody suffers like they do. Poor me’s thrive on misery and see the dark side or pessimism in everything. They like darkness, suffering, pain. They are often the most sensitive of all four types with great capacity for empathy. They are more prone to depression.

ALOOF: Aloofs disconnect from life. They observe and don’t feel part of what is going on around them – even if they are the creators. They often make great leaders when they choose to be present.

Let’s simplify this a little further. I believe that we have two major and two minor control dramas. The major ones are aloof and poor me. The minor dramas are anger and judgement. Like two sides of a coin; a poor me is angry and an aloof is judgemental.

Or let’s put it another way – when I am aware that I am angry, I know I am feeling sorry for myself and when I am judging I know I am aloof. I cannot be in aloof and poor me at the same time.

The dynamic of these two control dramas is fascinating to watch but painful to be a part of.
More on this in the next blog..

How do you know if you have lost your control?

The symptoms are:

You are not feeling good
You are thinking about something repeatedly after it has happened.
You are blaming someone else