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Coping with Anxiety

What is the name of the client? We will call this client James What are the important details about this client that …

WHY DO WE CARRY PEOPLE?

Carrying people has been a pattern and behaviour I have enacted for most of my life. I truly believed that my value was proportionate to my …

We live in a world where the true concept of power has become distorted. We see power as our ability to control others and attempting to control what is happening around us. I firmly believe this is a dishonest, manipulative, fearful and exhausting way to live.

My understanding of real power has four components.

1. Control of myself
2. Trust in myself
3. Faith in myself
4. Belief in myself

In percentage terms of my total power;

Control is 90%
Trust is 5%
Faith & belief are 2.5% each.

It’s like a domino; If I don’t have control of myself I can’t trust myself and if I don’t have control and trust in myself, it’s impossible for me to have faith and belief in myself.

CONTROL

As control is the largest component of power let’s begin there.

When we are born, we give control over to our parents. This is natural law. They decide everything for us, from where we live, to the food we eat, the language we speak, the country we live in, our religion and our beliefs. We are a blueprint of our parents, as they are of the people that raised them. Ideally when we become teenagers we should begin to take control back from our parents and others, but the reality is that we never do.

As a consequence of having given so much of our control away in order to survive and have our needs met, we become controlling. The less control I have of myself the more controlling I become of others.

Let me explain it like this:
I need 100% control to function. We can compare our power/control to a bank account. I need €100 in my bank account to keep it open. If I lend €95 I will then have to borrow €95 from someone else to keep my account open.

Likewise if I give 95% of the control of my life away I will have to control the people around me in order to survive.

If you want the sugar coated version I could tell you that we borrow others control (life force), but in reality, we steal it from each other. The main problem with this is that people give away what they don’t want – so if they are angry, fearful, in pain etc, we take it like a direct download into our bodies.

There are many consequences to this exchange. I believe that on average 90-95% of what we feel on a given day has absolutely nothing to do with us!

In contrast, when I am in control of my life, I determine how I feel and how I respond to life. Rather than trying to control what life brings to me.
To clarify: When I have control of my life I am responsible for my life, when I am not in control of my life I will blame someone else.

TRUST:

When we talk about trusting or not trusting someone, that places the onus on someone else. When I listen to my own instinct or intuition, I take full responsibility. If for example, I feel that someone is not trustworthy – that should be enough. I have been warned by my internal guidance. If they later prove to be untrustworthy, then I must take responsibility for not heeding the warning. Likewise, if I tell someone that I trust them, I am putting a burden on them.

FAITH & BELIEF:

Faith is the belief that whatever I need in life I can have. Belief is the willingness to accept it.

If you would like to work with me, visit my website to learn more or to make an appointment in person or via Skype.

We all learn and perfect the art of controlling others usually by the age of 7 or 8 years old, using control dramas. The control dramas we use are as follows:

Anger
Judgement
Poor me/Victim (Feeling sorry for ourselves)
Aloof (Disconnecting/Withdrawn)

We have the ability to use all of these dramas at any given time, however we all have one of the four listed that we master and have a preference for. Our default setting one might say. It’s the one that is our fool proof drama we use to get what we want. These dramas are often subconscious and hence we are sometimes unaware of our behaviour.

I will explain each of these dramas in more detail in later articles.

A short introduction: See if you can spot your chosen drama that you use most regularly;

ANGER: The easiest to identify and feel. We get angry to get our own way and hence attempt to control the environment we are in. Anger is always masking underlying fear.

JUDGEMENTS: This one is a little trickier to spot as it’s often masked behind what seems like pleasing or pleasant words and behaviour. However if we feel judged, we are most likely being judged despite what outward appearances might appear to be. The judges are equally critical with themselves.

POOR ME: Poor me characters feel sorry for themselves. Alot! Nobody suffers like they do. Poor me’s thrive on misery and see the dark side or pessimism in everything. They like darkness, suffering, pain. They are often the most sensitive of all four types with great capacity for empathy. They are more prone to depression.

ALOOF: Aloofs disconnect from life. They observe and don’t feel part of what is going on around them – even if they are the creators. They often make great leaders when they choose to be present.

Let’s simplify this a little further. I believe that we have two major and two minor control dramas. The major ones are aloof and poor me. The minor dramas are anger and judgement. Like two sides of a coin; a poor me is angry and an aloof is judgemental.

Or let’s put it another way – when I am aware that I am angry, I know I am feeling sorry for myself and when I am judging I know I am aloof. I cannot be in aloof and poor me at the same time.

The dynamic of these two control dramas is fascinating to watch but painful to be a part of.
More on this in the next blog..

How do you know if you have lost your control?

The symptoms are:

You are not feeling good
You are thinking about something repeatedly after it has happened.
You are blaming someone else

 

(Read my previous 2 blogs for a fuller understanding) 

 Aloof  Control  Dramas 

Aloof types disconnect and withdraw from life – they put a boundary around themselves, a wall between themselves and others. Then they automatically blame the other person in a direct projection. 

Once they have disconnected they:  

  • Judge and criticise: eating away at the other person’s confidence, by making them wrong. 
  • In aloof they are not kind, and they cannot or will not apologize. 
  • They are most uncomfortable when feeling emotions so they attempt to fix the person or thing that makes them feel uncomfortable.  
  • Become unsympathetic, judgemental and only see life in terms of right or wrong, black or white.
  • They give the impression of doing the right thing.
  • Have perfected the art of not feeling anything.
  • They cannot see their own flaws or when something was caused by them.
  • They have huge blind spots and are mostly unable to see the consequence of their actions.
  • They amplify what they observe – e.g. if they judge another’s behaviour this magnifies what they are observing.      
  • They are always right.
  • They keep you at a distance hence they are difficult to get to know.

A major physical symptom of an aloof type is always being physically cold. 

Once you defend yourself around an aloof they have taken your power.   

Poor Me Control Dramas

Poor me types are no walk in the park either. Many of their behaviours are not enacted consciously but deep down there is a comfort from their misery.

The Poor me types love misery, they love to suffer and they want everyone else to feel sorry for them.  They feel everything and find it difficult to discern what emotions are theirs and what belong to others.  

When in engaging in poor me behaviour the major giveaways are:

  • They like being sad and miserable.
  • They don’t like to be around joy – they resent others happiness. 
  • They enjoy moaning. 
  • They love to tell others of their suffering, as nobody suffers more or as much as a poor me. 
  • Everything is their fault, they blame themselves for everything. 
  • They manipulate by being nice and control you by attempting to keep you caught in their misery. 
  • Poor me’s wallow in self pity, they take the joy out of everything. 
  • They don’t trust and if rejected they feel hard done by. 
  • They use language like ‘I gave you everything’ – hence the giving is conditional to befriending them. 
  • Poor me’s are martyrs. 
  • They feel everyone’s pain and attach to it and make it their own 
  • They are prone to depression. 

 How do poor me and aloof interact? In truth very badly. Like oil and water. They don’t get on well at all. 

  • Poor me  types want the world to know how much they are suffering, aloofs don’t want to share anything. 
  • Poor me types blame themselves for everything, aloofs judge and blame everyone but themselves. 
  • Poor me types feel everything, aloofs don’t want to feel at all .
  • Poor me types want aloofs to pity them, aloofs don’t want to feel, are incapable of true pity and are disgusted by poor me’s desire for it.

  The more affluent a society becomes the more aloof it becomes.  A society in struggle is more prone to poor me behaviour.

The positive characteristics of poor me –

When they are in their power they are highly empathic and can see all perspectives of any given situation. 

The positive characteristics of an aloof –

When they are in their power they are natural leaders and can motivate with clarity and focus.

We can move between being a poor me and being aloof but we cannot be in both at the same time. They do not co exist with ease.